Book Review: #MeToo-informed therapy: Counseling approaches for men, women, and couples

Abstract

and the scholar interested in reviewing the current state of research in this area of study. As such, The Secret Life of Secrets covers content that is relevant to multiple disciplines. Slepian paints a convincing picture of secrecy as a common and consequential phenomenon in people’s individual and relational life. The reader’s attention is captured by examples from Slepian’s own personal life (e.g., he shares a long-kept family secret), masterfully combined with knowledge from his decadelong academic career, and real-life examples of secrets in movies, news, and public events. Slepian aims to develop readers’ understanding of the connection between secrecy and well-being. He starts by presenting ethological and developmental studies that reflect on the evolutionary and personal functions of having secrets (Chapters 1 and 2). Then, readers are familiarized with key concepts that constitute the basis of secrecy processes: mindwandering to secrets, concealing them, confiding, and confessing secrets (Chapters 3–5). As concepts are described, Slepian links secrecy processes to their impact on well-being and offers some practical strategies to help people cope with their secrets. For instance, in Chapter 4, Slepian maps three dimensions (how moral or immoral one’s secret is; whether a secret supports or damages one’s relationships; and whether a secret is kept for a clear reason or goal). Those dimensions provide the background to three specific strategies Slepian suggests will help people cope with the negative impact of secrets. Despite this broad through-line, Slepian provides a nuanced view of how secrecy impacts individual well-being. Departing from the traditional view that secrets are bad for well-being because they involve active concealment in social interactions, Slepian’s work shows that being left alone and thinking about one’s secrets is the most detrimental aspect of secrecy. This points to novel solutions for managing the negative effect of secrecy. Of course, disclosure and sharing with a good confidant (i.e., someone empathic yet assertive) is one option to limit the impact of secrets. Yet, for those who do not consider disclosure as possible or effective, Slepian offers a more nuanced and contextual approach to keeping and managing secrets. His studies identify three dimensions in which a secret can hurt: shame, isolation, and lack of insight. Along those distinct avenues, Slepian suggests using a coping compass to alleviate the cognitive burden of keeping a secret. First, he encourages readers to remember that mistakes can be left in the past and used as learning opportunity. Second, he suggests thinking of how keeping secrets benefits others. Finally, he reminds readers to recognize the reasons for keeping the secret. Further, Slepian offers some practical strategies to employ in conversations to protect one’s secrets. Finally, in Chapters 7 and 8, the focus moves to positive secrets and the known cultural factors involved in coping with secrecy. These are chapters that leave readers with more questions than answers—possibly reflecting that these are nascent and developing areas of research. For instance, does keeping positive secrets have any effect on individual well-being? Do people differ in how much they enjoy keeping positive secrets? Are the most common types of secrets in westernized countries also the most common in collectivistic cultures? Do people employ similar ways to cope with their secrets around the world? Overall, The Secret Life of Secrets is an informative and captivating book. Readers will get to the back cover with a good general knowledge of the most up-to-date theory and empirical findings on secrecy and its relationship to individual and relational well-being. An added bonus is learning what science suggests are the most effective strategies to live well with our secrets.