Gay dads: Choosing surrogacy

Abstract

HE MORE I LEARN ABOUT LESBIAN, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) family-building, the more I am increasingly awe-struck by our creativity, passion, and ingenuity. A quarter of a century ago, lesbians took charge of their reproductive capabilities and stepped outside of conventional marriage and heterosexual intercourse and began utilising donor insemination to make babies (Benkov, 1994; Toevs & Brill, 2002; Martin, 1993; Mohler & Frazer, 2002; Pepper, 1999). Within the last decade, LGBT people have turned the adoption world on its head, with nearly 60 per cent of all adoption agencies in the US placing children in LGBT homes (Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, 2003). Now, gay men are also taking charge of their own biological potential and becoming fathers in unprecedented numbers through surrogacy arrangements (Strah, 2003). Although LGBT people have ‘regular, average, and normal’ families, we do build our families in unique ways, utilising alternative methods of reproduction and familybuilding (Lev, 2004). We continue to develop cutting-edge and innovative options to create our families. I have tremendous admiration watching the explosion of parenting within the gay male community. Gay men seem to parent with tenderness and gentle humour; they exhibit a competence that often makes me feel like a crazed housewife with my hair in rollers – how do they do it and still look so fabulous? Of course, I am saying this somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I do think that gay dads are challenging us all to see gay men, as well as fathering in general, in a new light. Michael, who lives with his partner, Steven, in Los Angeles, says, ‘Whether gay or straight, society doesn’t trust men as nurturing influences, particularly with infants. Countless times walking down the street with my infant son, George, people (mostly women) would say, ‘Mommy’s day off?’ This is so insulting because I know women in the same situation have never heard, ‘Daddy’s day off?’’ I will confess that the first time I ever met a gay male couple with an infant, I had that same initial shock: ‘Who is going to take care of the crying infant, i.e. where’s the MOM?’ I got over myself pretty quickly (that was nearly 20 years ago), but I still see the concern on many people’s faces – straight and gay – when they see a dad, or two dads, with a baby. Parenting has often meant ‘mothering’, and although we all know that fathers can change a diaper, it is still assumed that there is a mother somewhere to check that they are doing it correctly (McGarry, 2003; Strah, 2003). Michael L, a white single dad, said that before his son was born, a woman asked him, ‘Whose your girl?’ When he asked her what she meant, she said, ‘You’re gonna get a girl right? To take care of the baby.’ Michael said he was quitting his job to stay home and take care of the baby, she laughed and said, ‘Oh honey. You neeeeed a girl! You’re too intelligent; you want someone to handle the stupid stuff.’ Michael accurately assesses that this conversation sums up our society’s view on parenthood – raising children is thought of as a ‘stupid’ process and that woman are the only ones stupid enough to do it! Gay dads may just be smart enough to change the world. Gay men are currently parenting in unprecedented numbers, through both adoption and surrogacy. In my own small