Attachment and self-understanding: parenting with the brain in mind 1

ABSTRACT: This article is an adaptation of a chapter in a text edited by Marci Green and published by Karnac and is based on the ideas explored in The Developing Mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (Guilford, 1999) and Parenting from the Inside Out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive (with Mary Hartzell [2003]). It has been summarized in part in the article, The Mind, the Brain, and Human Relationships (Gynaelcology Forum International, 2003) and published online under the current title by Enneagram Monthly. KEY WORDS: attachment, neurobiology, parenting, relationships, brain development. INTRODUCTION The word "attachment" can evoke a wide range of responses from parents. For some it signifies a positive experience of the relationship between child and parent. For others, a sense of dread may emerge with the idea that somehow what has happened early in life will determine destiny without hope of liberation from patterns of the past. The old notion that our early life experiences somehow determine our fate can give you a sense of hopelessness: What is the point of learning about attachment if it just tells you that you are helpless to make a change as an adult? The fact of the matter is that this fatalistic notion is wrong. Carefully conducted scientific studies have shown us that it is not what happened to you that matters most in determining how you raise your children; instead, it is how you have come to make sense of your early life experiences that is the most robust predictor of how your children will become attached to you. Amazing, but true! In this writing I will invite you to sit down with me and explore the wonderfully intriguing ideas and accessible practical implementations of the science of attachment. In my own journeys through medical school and clinical psychiatry training and then into research in attachment, emotion, memory and narrative, I have come to realize how central attachment relationships are in our lives. What has fascinated me over the past ten years, the "Decade of the Brain," is how our understanding of the role relationships play in our day-to-day subjective lives can be profoundly deepened by integrating the objective findings of an array of sciences. By exploring a wide range of sciences, from anthropology to neuroscience, and seeking the convergence of findings that emerges from their integration, we can arrive at a consilient view of the "unity of knowledge" (or "consilience," as E.O. Wilson has used the term [1998]). In the Brittanica Dictionary, consilience is defined as "the concurrence of generalizations from separate classes of facts in logical inductions so that one set of inductive laws is found to be in accord with another set of distinct derivation." In other words, as in the old Indian tale of the blind men and the elephant, there is a "larger reality" that exists, though any single perspective can only begin to describe one view ofthat reality. In the approach that we will take, the convergent view of science can be called "interpersonal neurobiology," (Seigel, 1999), emphasizing the range from the interpersonal (such as perspectives from the fields of anthropology, communications, and social psychology) to the neurobiological (such as the views from evolutionary biology, and the domains of affective, cognitive, and developmental neuroscience). Why interpersonal neurobiology for parents? How does "parenting with the brain in mind" differ in any way from other approaches to helping parents raise children? Do parents really need to know about neurons to raise their children well? The answers to the first two questions, I hope, will be revealed as you read this article. The last question about the brain can be answered simply: "No." Parents do not need to know about the brain. Research has shown that parents do need to know about themselves, not necessarily about neurons. However, I will suggest to you that having a mind filled with up-todate knowledge about the science of human experience, including the neurobiology of the human mind, can prepare parents to understand both themselves, and their children well. …