The Penny Dropped:

Abstract

The Penny Dropped The ad I put in the paper says: `Broad-minded, clean, mature, responsible non-smoker to share two-bedroom flat with one other.' I'm thinking `broad-minded' means `gay.' I want to live with a gay guy. I ring my good friend James and tell him how worried I am. I say: `James, there are all these perverts out there who're going to ring up tomorrow. You've got to come over and answer the phone so they don't know I'm a woman living alone. I know I'm sounding hysterical, but I can't help it.' `Oh Xanadu, you're exaggerating,' he says, in an amused, gently berating tone. `It's not going to be like that.' Oh James, I think, if you only knew what it's like to be a woman, you wouldn't be so calm about it. `The world isn't full of perverts,' he says, `You're so paranoid.' Maybe I am, I think, but there's a reason for it. The next morning comes and James answers the first call, then he passes it over to me and I start talking to this forty-five-year-old man who's still living with his sister and he says to me in this breathy voice, `Hhhhii! Hhhhow are you?' and I say, `Fine,' and then there's this dead silence. I wait for a while, it seems like minutes, and all I can hear is this heavy breathing, and then I say: `Can I ask what you're ringing in regard to?' and he says in this sleeeazy, what he must think is seductive voice: `Your ahhd about broaad-mihhhnded in the newspaper. What exactly is your definition of "broad-minded"? It could mean "gay." It could mean "kinky".' He says: `I don't want to share with a lesbian. I don't mind a woman who's bi-,' and he asks, `What are you?' I say: `Why are you placing so much emphasis on my sexuality?' I'm looking for a flatmate. I'm looking for someone to share the rent.' He says: `I'm looking for a woman to move in and have sex with.' I say: `I'm sorry mate. This is not the Personal column. This is the Share Accommodation section. You must have got a little bit mixed up.' And then he hangs up. The next call James answers, and they hang up as soon as they hear a male voice. James says: `My God, you're right, Xanadu. The world is full of perverts.' `See, James,' I say. `You didn't believe me. There are all these men out there hunting down the opposite sex.' I tell him a stow about a friend of mine. She had a male flatmate who would just accidentally come into the bathroom when she was in the shower. Then she opened her bedroom door one day and he was looking through the keyhole. He developed an obsession for her and pursued her. He blamed her for leading him on. I tell James: `You have to be very careful when you're sharing a place with someone of the opposite sex. You want a man around for protection, but there's a risk with heterosexual guys that ordinary friendliness can be misunderstood. That's why I want to share with a gay guy. I want to come home to someone friendly.' `Poor Xanadu,' says James. `I wish I could help you. If I wasn't with Phillip, I'd move in tomorrow.' I tell James how I'm feeling quite lonely and insecure at the moment. `You know, scared at night and that, because I've just broken up and moved out after nine years of a relationship. I'm feeling a bit isolated. It's completely different psychologically coming home to an empty flat after you've been coining home to someone every night for nine years. I also had a flasher at my window when I first moved into the flat, so that's made me a bit jumpy.' The phone rings and I nearly jump out of my skin. James answers it, then fairly quickly hands it over to me. He holds his hand over the receiver. `He's ringing for Penny,' he says. `She's out of town.' Then he kind of stage-whispers: `I'm going to the bathroom,' and leaves me to it. I'm a bit on guard because it's another man on the phone and I've just had that bad experience with the heavy-breathing sex-seeker, but the man's speaking quite effeminately and James seemed to think he was alright, and he's polite, so I relax a little. …