Pain Machine, and: Wonder Machine, and: Terror Machine

Claire Wahmanholm
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Abstract

Pain Machine, and: Wonder Machine, and: Terror Machine Claire Wahmanholm (bio) The rain in the morning isn't good or bad, comforting or threatening. It's not even "rain." —Pema Chödrön Pain Machine But my favorite thing to do is name. My favorite thing to be is rained onand then to say I have been rained on. When I read the word rain I feelthe feeling of being rained on even when there is no rain.It's like having a rain machine. The poem is a rain machine. ButI worry that another name for rain is craving. The poem is a craving machine,but we all know that craving is another name for pain. So the poemis a pain machine. I like this less. But it's my machine, so I guessI can push stop whenever I'd like. I'm not going to push stop yet.There are other ways. For example: the rustle of leaves always sends mehopefully to the window but leaf is not rain unless I close my eyes.So I close them and allow leaf to be rain but why stop there. Wind can be rain,river can be rain, traffic can be rain, [End Page 96] the machine in my pocket is rainand Japanese garden and Finnish sauna and demolition site. In the meantimeI have walked through the traffic and into what we often call the woods.My hair is neither my hair, nor wet. I am many years into what we calla life but which we could easily call a room or a teacup or a demolition site.A machine's name doesn't change how it runs. Rain is not betteror worse than pain. Go ahead and take your finger off that button. [End Page 97] Wonder Machine Anatomy: made of bells or bone. Runs on your own blood. Runs on birdsong. Smells of chrysanthemums orcherry stones (like nothing, like the words themselves). Delves or wheels. Moves like fire in a field; also plinks, alsoevaporates, also condenses onto your face when you walk from here to anywhere. It is everywhere, like my failures—likegraspingness, like envy, like being despicable and assuming humor would save me. I have been petty, have hated, haveintended to wound and then done it; have said just joking without meaning it; have said just tell me with no intention ofkeeping the secret; have puked on my own shoes; have let my longing scare people; have scarred myself; have drunk somuch I wondered if I would die. Haven't. It's a wonder not unlike a lighthouse or a dam or pyramid or anyother marvel of engineering, except there's no engineer. Purpose: to generate further wonders, to be wonderful, toquell an everyday terror. Word-wise, no one knows wonder's root. Like most astonishments, it is unlooked-for, a volunteer.Size: that of a sequoia, that of an opal, that of a tarpaulin, that of a child's ear. Which my body has engineered underun-astonishing circumstances. Most circumstances are so: vermillion sunrises; warm lagoons; not dying. These are defaults. Sowhere is the switch that all machines are built with? Each Xanadu has a button that drains the sacred river. Each of my luckyyeses has been bought with a certain number of noes. All those zeros, and less and less future to fit them into. This is why some people build machines: so their wonder will always have a body to run through. [End Page 98] Terror Machine alone—at work—at the mall—with my throatbitten-out and throbbing between some dog's teeth— cartoonishly, by jubilant clanging piano—tumblingdown my own basement stairs—dehydrated by doubt— empty as a drought—popped to pulp in the ocean'sfist—in front of my children—by any size of fire— gutted by grief—gutted for real—hungover from living but stillhanging on—by the sloppy incision, the thread slipping in the intestine, the uterus, the brain—in my favoritejeans—in July—jammed into the mouth of a machine— knowing it...
痛苦机器,奇迹机器,恐怖机器
疼痛机器,奇迹机器,恐怖机器克莱尔·瓦曼霍姆(生物)早晨的雨无所谓好坏,无所谓安慰,也无所谓威胁。甚至都不是“雨”。-Pema Chödrön疼痛机但我最喜欢做的事情是命名。我最喜欢的事情就是被雨淋了,然后说我被雨淋了。当我读到“雨”这个词时,即使没有下雨,我也有被雨淋到的感觉。就像有一台防雨机。这首诗是一台造雨机。但我担心雨的另一个名字是渴望。诗是渴望的机器,但我们都知道渴望是痛苦的另一个名字。所以诗歌是一个疼痛机器。我不太喜欢这个。但这是我的机器,所以我想我可以随时按停。我还不会按停止键。还有其他方法。例如:树叶的沙沙声总是让我满怀希望地走到窗前,但树叶不是雨,除非我闭上眼睛。所以我闭上它们,让树叶变成雨,但为什么要停在那里。风可以是雨,河可以是雨,交通可以是雨,我口袋里的机器是雨,还有日本的花园和芬兰的桑拿房和拆迁现场。与此同时,我穿过车流,走进了我们常说的树林。我的头发既不是我的头发,也不是湿的。我们称之为生活的东西,我们可以很容易地称之为一个房间、一个茶杯或一个拆迁现场。机器的名字不会改变它的运行方式。下雨并不比疼痛好,也不比疼痛坏。把你的手指从按钮上拿开。奇迹机器解剖:由铃铛或骨头制成。用你自己的血。靠鸟鸣奔跑。菊花或樱桃核的气味(像什么都没有,像文字本身)。Delves或wheels。像田野里的火一样移动;当你从这里走到任何地方的时候,也会闪烁,也会蒸发,也会凝结在你的脸上。它无处不在,就像我的失败——比如贪婪、嫉妒、卑鄙和以为幽默能拯救我。我曾经心胸狭窄,憎恨过,想要伤害别人,然后就这样做了;说了只是开玩笑没有意思;说了就告诉我,无意保守秘密;吐在我自己的鞋子上;曾让我的思念吓到人;给自己留下了伤痕;我喝得太多了,不知道我会不会死。没有。这是一个奇迹,不像灯塔、大坝、金字塔或其他任何工程奇迹,除了没有工程师。目的:创造更多的奇迹,变得精彩,消除日常的恐惧。从字面上看,没有人知道wonder的词根。像大多数的惊奇一样,它是意料之外的,一个自愿的。大小:红杉的大小,蛋白石的大小,篷布的大小,孩子耳朵的大小。这是我的身体在正常情况下产生的。大多数情况都是这样:朱红色的日出;温暖泻湖;不会死的。这些都是默认值。所有机器的开关在哪里?每个世外桃源都有一个排空圣河的按钮。我的每只幸运眼都是用一定数量的鼻子买来的。所有的零,越来越少的未来适合他们。这就是为什么有些人制造机器:这样他们的奇迹就会一直有一个身体来运行。恐惧机器独自在工作——在商场里——我的喉咙被狗咬着,在狗牙间悸动——滑稽地,伴随着欢快的钢琴声——从我家地下室的楼梯上滚下来——因为怀疑而脱水——像干旱一样空——在海洋的拳头里炸成浆——在孩子们面前——被任何大小的火——被悲伤折磨——因为真正的生活而痛苦不堪,但仍然悬着——被粗糙的切口,从肠里滑落的线,子宫,大脑——在我最喜欢的牛仔裤里——在七月份被塞进机器的嘴里——知道它……
本文章由计算机程序翻译,如有差异,请以英文原文为准。
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