Poem in Which I Have Read the Terms and Conditions, and: Battle Hymn of the Hymen

Abstract

Poem in Which I Have Read the Terms and Conditions, and: Battle Hymn of the Hymen Denise Duhamel (bio) Keywords poetry, Denise Duhamel, God, policy, health, capitalism, body, blood POEM IN WHICH I HAVE READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS I’ve checked the box acknowledging that, whatever happens,it won’t be your fault—that my insurance policy will covereverything, except what actually breaks, that you are not responsiblefor any data corruption, any mistakes in my bloodwork results,that your mammogram can only detect so much. I knowyou are not responsible for the brakes in my car, the asbestosthat might have crawled into my lungs, whatever germsyour germ killer can’t kill, the long o’s of my moaningif I get sick. You can’t possibly be responsible for the contentsin an envelope you send my way, any viruses or spywarethat may injure me. I understand there may be disruptionsand I shouldn’t complain. I understand there may be shipping delays,stolen packages from my porch, and that’s, of course,not your fault. You can’t be held liable for damage, director indirect, consequential or incidental. What you sell mecomes “AS IS” and I will deal with that. I understandwars or “acts of God” have nothing to do with you,that there is no such thing as “perfect” and you never claimedto be. Of course you reserve the right to cancel my orderdue to product availability. I understand you cannot—and do not—guarantee the accuracy or completenessof any product images or description of services. I understandprices may go up—you need to make a buck. I understandthat you are not responsible for typos or omissions,that, heck, you can terminate this agreement at any timewithout notice. I understand that your help deskis not required to help me and that your “chat” buttondoesn’t necessarily mean someone is there to talk.I understand you may use cookies and pop-up ads—that’s all fine and dandy with me. I have waived my rightsto sue should you cause me inconvenience or harm. [End Page 10] It only makes sense that you can’t be blamedfor the shenanigans of any third-party vendors.I get it—you can sell my information to anyone you wantand I won’t get a cut. Needless to say, you are takingreasonable steps to protect my identifying info,but shit happens and, hey, what are you going to do?I, in turn, will do nothing as I have no recourse.I understand I am consulting you at my own riskand I, alone, am responsible for keeping myself safe.I agree that my password has an “!” and a jumbleof letters that will be hard for me to remember.I agree to refrain from any abusive, pornographic,and obscene behavior and that you will determinewhat those behaviors might be. Should I have a lackof enjoyment, that cannot possibly be your fault—enjoyment is subjective after all. I respect that your brandis your brand and I will never try to copy it.I agree that I will never scan, probe, or testyour vulnerability. I will not “deep-link,” “page-scrape,”“robot,” or “spider” you. I also attest that I, myself, am nota bot. I see the traffic lights in the squares you post and I amchecking those boxes too. Naturally, you have the rightto use my poems and my likeness in your promotions.You have a right to take from me whatever you want.I agree to all these terms and conditions. I knowthis constitutes a legally binding agreement. Furthermore,I understand you may post supplemental termsand conditions at any time and for any damn reason. [End Page 11] BATTLE HYMN OF THE HYMEN My thighs have seen the gloryOf the coming of the blood;It is trickling from the lineageWhere my grapes of wrath are stored;I hath loosed the fateful membraneAfter his terrible swift sword;My blood is marching on. [End Page 12] Denise Duhamel denise duhamel’s...